Personal Grieving

I wasn't going to post anything about this. I touched on it gently in one of my last posts. I haven't talked much about it and I haven't wrote much about it or put it out there. Every time I went to open my mouth to say something, I would quietly close it. I didn't feel like anything I could say would do my feelings or him justice.

My Papa lost his battle with cancer yesterday, on Mothers day. I cant even describe to you how hard he battled. Quietly for so many years. I believe for the sake of my Grandma. He didn't want her to carry the burden so he was silent, she knew, but they were silent. We knew, the family knew, we didn't want to accept it. So we pretended that it wasn't so.

He battled for 9 years, 8 of which was a silent battle. About a year ago, the cancer was back in his lungs, they removed a 1/3 of his lung, and all was well. At the end January he came down with pneumonia that put him in the hospital for 3 days. While he was there they did a full body scan and found what everyone hoped and prayed for was gone. The cancer was back with a vengeance. In his lungs, spleen and liver. Untreatable. Our job was to make him as comfortable as possible, love him as much as possible. How much time he would have, they didn't really know.

It was like hitting fast forward for him, things moved way too fast. He passed away on Mothers Day. I was going to write more details of the final weeks but just cant find it in my heart to do it. I started this post a few days ago and didn't finish. Every day gets better. The day I started writing this I was typing through tears, today I feel stronger and more confident.

I took the week off of work and I am so glad I did. If I would have gone back to work I would have had to put on a front which inevitably leads to break downs. I feel my Grandpa with me, watching over me, holding my hand and walking by my side. He is in the decisions I'm making and the smile I courageously have on my face. He loves me and I Love him and miss him but feel blessed that he was such a big part of my life and so many memories were made with him by my side. May you rest finally, you have fought so hard for so long and deserve to be at peace.